Be inspired

 

I never knew who I truly was until I met Jesus 3 years ago.

I never knew freedom until I met Jesus, during a time where I felt I deserved nothing but death.

 

Who defines who we are? Who or what determines our worth? What is our purpose? These are all questions I asked myself growing up, but never felt confident in my answer. I thought what defines you is what people think of you, how much money you have,  how knowledgeable you are and what your title is. That’s what I was taught. Those thoughts drove me to always look for approval of others and never let those around me down. I grew fearful of what people thought of me it drove me to work hard so no one could tell me I lacked.  Some may wonder what’s wrong with that—working hard is a good thing. It is. The only problem is—it never made me feel more worthy of anything or any different from the insecurity I originally felt. No matter how well I was doing, I always thought what I did and who I was wasn’t good enough. It brought me no fulfillment and only caused fear, anxiety and insecurity run my life.

 

I lived my life thinking I had to be in control of everything and always had a plan.

 

If you have a plan, you have direction, right? I never knew that my plan could be abruptly interrupted 3 and a half years ago when I went through the hardest time I have ever had to go through in my whole life. It was my last year in college, and it was a time in my life where I was on a high—everything was going well for me -- until August 10th 2012.  That’s the day that I got a phone call telling me to rush to the hospital… my mom was there. I almost lost my mom that day when she tried to take her life. That took a huge emotional and psychological toll on me. I look back and cry because I honestly do not know how I had the strength to go through that and then continue to be my mom’s aid after the incident to ensure it didn’t happen again. It was a rough time- but I see Jesus in the midst of it all- I know He gave me the strength to be the person my mom needed me to be when she was going through this hard time.

 

That was a rough time for our household. My mom ended up moving out of our family home to live with her boyfriend and so I lived there by myself and took care of our two dogs. Shortly after, I experienced a personal tragedy that is still hard for me to talk about. I didn’t tell people because I felt ashamed and so inadequate. I was going through the darkest part of my life and I felt like I had no one. It got to the point that I couldn’t wake up without feeling sad. I remember sitting at home one afternoon by myself in emotional and physically pain, and all I could do is cry out to God because I didn’t know what else to do. I was so tired of feeing this pain and it was getting unbearable for me. I grew up believing that God was real- my mom was a Christian and sent us to church most Sunday’s- but I never really had a personal or intimate relationship with God. During this dark time, all I felt to do was call on God. I had no desire to tell anyone else what I was going through or what I was feeling, so I turned to Him. I remember crying out to Him asking Him to forgive me, to please take away all my shame, pain and that I do not want to go to Hell- although I felt I deserved to go there.

 

That’s when for the first time ever, I felt an Impression say these things to me that I knew was not my own thoughts. He called me beautiful. He told me that my sins are forgiven and were before I even asked. He said my sins are in the depths of the ocean. He told me that when no one was there, He felt my pain and went through it all with me. He was sitting with me in the darkness, in my loneliness, by my side through it all. I was never alone. He told me He had great plans for me and He was going to do miraculous things in my life. My shame had turned into immense peace. I no longer felt alone. My hurt turned into thankfulness that someone was there with me. I was never alone. I never thought that the darkest time in my life would turn into a beginning of living a life of freedom.

 

Jesus set me free. He changes my perspective. He is changing my heart. He makes me whole.

 

In Him I am worthy. I am truly free, not by my own doing, but all because of Him. He showed me love and compassion and saw in me what I couldn’t see in myself.  He forgave me and helped me forgive myself. I used to search for my worthiness through people. Now, my audience is of one and I know that I am approved by Him. I desire to lead people to Jesus because I know a life of true freedom begins with him.

 

He put dreams in me that were beyond what I could ever believe for myself.

 

I started a non-profit organization, Free Citizen Co., that is a ministry and community of people who’s mission is to spread the freedom of Christ through apparel and community. We believe the cross doesn’t discriminate and want to exemplify that through testimonies, encouraging apparel and much more. We have a name your price shop, which allows you to pay what you feel led to pay. Because free is more than a price tag, it is a gift, something we receive and having to give nothing in return. We want to offer that to people. We use the money to continue to grow the organization and also give to various charities. It is for freedom that we have been set free.. we strive to help people know that freedom.

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