Be inspired

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Just follow the rules.

There is safety in following the rules. 

You won't get hurt that way. Things will be better. You'll be happier. 

 

These are thoughts I told myself my entire life. Play by the rules. Make people happy. Never cause a stir. Even if there was disagreement. Just be polite and smile.

 

But that all changed for me when I took a pregnancy test and found out my fourth blessing of a baby would be coming in nine short months.

The last three pregnancies, I did follow the rules. I had a c-section with my first and since it was once a c-section, always a c-section, I continued having...c-sections.My pregnancies were quite uneventful. My first baby was born at 36 weeks and was breech. That was the most excitement I had as the others pretty much followed the rules.

 

But this time, this time would be different.

 

I knew I couldn't keep having c-sections. I knew the risks went up every time I had one. I didn't feel comfortable having surgery, it didn't need to happen that way. I knew I could push my baby out. I just knew I could. 

 

But that led me down a path all on my own. A time of learning that really the only person I needed to please was God. Not man. Not family. Not even a doctor. I knew it could be nearly impossible to find a provider. With my previous c-sections, I was now considered high risk. Many doctors wouldn't take me on. In fact no one was willing to, except for one. One doctor that was it.  He was my only option and turned out to be my best option as I found his thinking was so very similar to mine. I knew that God would lead me, but I didn't know He would provide such a perfect doctor for me. To this day, I consider it a blessing from God. A true gift.

 

I still faced doubts and fears throughout my pregnancy. With so many who told me no, maybe I was in fact wrong. Maybe they are right. But, when I let go of my emotions and turned my heart towards truth, I realized that I need not make anyone happy by God. Besides, I could trust Him fully with my life and with my baby's life. Childbirth is never predictable. There are always risks no matter the road you choose, even with a first time low risk mother. There are risks. But  I had made my decision based on facts and time spent with God. Not only was I choosing a VBAC (vaginal birth after a c-section) but I was choosing to trust God. Period. I knew a VBAC was what I wanted so I choose to speak the Word of God, to trust Him and be optimistic. 

 

I watched my words and my thoughts. I closed my eyes and imagined the birth of my baby. And doing it just as I wanted to. I never said, "if", or "I hope," but I boldly declared that I would infact push out my baby. And I believed it with all of my heart. 

 

The day my water broke, I broke down and cried. Tears of joy, tears of anticipation, tears of fear. Could I do it? There was no turning back. There was no questioning when I would go into labor. This was the day. My contractions started and they steadily increased in frequency and intensity as the hours passed. 13 hours after my water broke, I heard my doctor say I was complete and ready to push. 

 

In my spirit, I was just in shock. Me? Ready to push? I have never pushed? I have always been a quiet participant in the births of my children. This time, there was nothing about me that was quiet. I always played by the rules. I always pleased people. I didn't say much, but tried to be polite and hear I was using all my strength and all my might and yelling. Some say it shouldn't hurt. But it hurt me. And I was ok with that! I needed to feel the pain. I needed to own it. I needed to be in that place where so many told me I shouldn't be and here I was pushing.

 

I made it through early labor, active labor, and transition and was about to meet my baby in the way that I had often dreamed of when I closed my eyes at night. Two steps forward and one step back. I keep pushing. More of the head could be seen and then back into the birth canal she would go  again. And the mirror. I wanted the mirror. So many don't want the mirror. But I wanted to see myself do the very thing I was told I couldn't do. I wanted to experience it on every level  I could. And with my worship music playing throughout, I truly sensed God's presence. I know He is always with us. Our feelings aren't the thermometer of His presence. But, I felt Him. I felt his pleasure with me, that I trusted Him. She who was afraid of what others thought, who had made their thoughts an idol, cast that idol aside. In this moment I worshipped Him like never before and I trusted Him with my whole being. In this moment I felt His blessings...

 

I apologize now, my words probably seem confusing. They don't do justice to that which took place inside of me.

 

The birth of my child was beautiful and awesome and hard all at the same time. I was able to hold her and love her and be with her before anyone did anything to her. I got those moments with her. And that I treasure in my heart just as much as I treasure each birth of my children. But what happened here was much more than the birth of my baby. It was a divine encounter with God. Because no matter what I face in life, childbirth, mothering, hardships, joy, trials, pain and questions that I  don't have the answers to. I can trust God. I can trust Him and when He tells me to do something, I can do it. I can jump in and know my Father will catch me.

 

His love is so great for me and it's so great for you. I tell my story to share that God is like this. He is so good. And I'm not special. I'm not unique. He loves you the same as He loves me. He can do for you what He has done for me. What's He calling you to? What's He whispering to your heart? What's holding you back? He's got you. There's nothing to fear when we know He's our Father. Trust Him. There's no fear when you know His perfect love.

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